The architecture is banal, the suite layouts more of the same awkward "walk through your kitchen first" pinchedness, but the adverbs and high-gloss euphemisms are out of this world.
Yes, Downtown East Comes Alive. At
last. Downtown east comes alive. Yes.
Erm.
Spontaneous demonstrations of joy have broken out from Corktown Common to the Distillery to Regent's Park.
This is good news to all the former residents who have occupied this land since the city was founded. Better than it coming dead, I suppose, in which case it would be an interesting horror movie.
"Bold yet elegant architecture....confident statement of purpose". Well, they can't be accused of false modesty, even if that second sentence is a bit dry. That sounds more like a boardroom draft than a place to cry into the ice cream you're gulping straight from the tub while watching
The Towering Inferno after a breakup. I'm wondering what the 'confident statement of purpose' bathrooms look like?
Yes, the suites are intelligently designed. That's usually a good thing, though if they have to mention it, doesn't it make you wonder? Oh wait - does that mean God handicrafted them? Forget that.
Oh look! A 'landscaped promenade'! That'll be fun. Does it run from one irresistably scenic neighbourhood to another? No.
More fawning over the flora and the "landscaped boulevard". Can't wait to see it's usefulness for winter recreation, regarding, say, tobogganing. What!? Plaza, you say? Please, eschew the 'P' word, that 70's word!
This is a boulevard. So there's no traffic on it. At least it's not a sunken moat of sophisticated amenities. No, these amenities "offer a rare, yet charming oasis along Adelaide Street".
Oases on Adelaide have apparently been rare, they have seldom been charming, but never the twain have met, until now. This will be a welcome veil of sweet relief from the specialty shops that might take some time to arrive. However the render seems to imply a boutique-boutique-boutique-bistro will take up the ground floor. Not unlike the shops of 555 Sherbourne.
This stellar amenity comes with henceforth inconceivable 'sense of place and time', unlike those other bermuda-triangle landscaped boulevards on Adelaide that make you feel like you've somehow fallen into a K-Hole.
If the vibrant scene refers to the rumbling of passing trucks, they're right on.
"Alive with light and motion"! Something not seen in human dwellings since the invention of fire. Still, this is in bold type, so it better be really lit up and really alive. I mean - really. Get those extra searchlights out of the Dundas Gardens render, because this one's going to need them to keep really lift it above 'Half-Dead with Obscurity and Desolation'.
Again, with the 'Alive' thing. Is there, like, a secret old burial ground under this thing they're anxious to conceal?
You know, I can't help but think it's been a long time since I've seen anything except the Louvre Pyramid main entrance shown off so breathlessly. It better be jewel-encrusted and inlaid with gold, because if this is the main advertising feature the building has going for it (except for, of course, that incomparable 'landscaped boulevard') we're a long way from condo heaven.