New Vice article by Mayor Frod
What I Do In Private Is None of Your Business, Folks
I realize that this tactic of airing a public figure’s dirty laundry is a sign of the times, and I’m certainly not the only victim. My good friend Lord Conrad Black is being assailed for taxes that he evaded on his own personal time, and my protégé Justin Bieber was rudely arrested in Florida for drag-racing on his own time, and then arrested in Toronto for punching out a limo driver on his own time. Is it really anyone’s business who Mr. Bieber spits on when he’s not onstage, or whose mop bucket he’s urinating into, or what drugs he consumes on his private jet? Of course not. I’m sure his many fans don’t have any interest in what he does before he arrives onstage after keeping them waiting for hours, or what he does after he finishes his twenty-minute set. They respect his privacy.
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In the latest twist, Toronto police have apparently asked for a warrant to examine my phone records, even though I haven’t committed any crimes other than the ones I’ve already admitted to… or that I may have committed while in a drunken and/or drug-addled stupor that I’ve completely forgotten about. In which case, I wouldn’t have phoned anybody about it. Isn’t that obvious? I know the police are just doing their job, but it seems clear that it’s all a political hatchet job so that their commanders can put their own preferred crime lord in office. But that’s not right. The people should be able to compare each candidate’s ITO and rap sheet, without being distracted by alleged incidents of deplorable personal behaviour or sociopathic character traits, and decide for themselves who they want as kingpin. That’s democracy, folks, and I am its crowning achievement. Frod More Years! (Eligible for parole after two.)